Finding Home

My mother She kept everything: Notes handwritten on various paper pads Broken cups, worn-out pillows,  Old handbags,  cracked plates Love letters, greeting cards Curtains made of lace And here I was vacating, creating space One by one, garbage bags piled up "You need space to breathe," I told her She nodded, wordless, unmoving Her limbs weakened by the stroke she suffered just a week ago Her eyes watered in quiet protest Nine years later,  And four years since she passed I understand now This longing to keep things To hold objects, to grasp  As it reaffirms one's life,  that one became real that one truly lived Now I want to take it all back, the things I discarded to  make space for her  to supposedly breathe: Notes handwritten on various paper pads Broken cups, worn-out pillows,  Old handbags,  cracked plates Love letters, greeting cards Curtains made of lace I want to cram the space with everything she kept Leave no space for air So, I can...

As I was doing laundry this afternoon, I caught a glimpse of Garret swinging on the hammock while listening to his music on his portable Bluetooth speaker pressed and Morgan playing happily with his water hose. They're teenagers who have autism. Unlike other neurotypical teenagers who probably are with their friends on a weekend doing whatever it is that teenagers do nowadays, this is what they do. A friend told me recently how somehow them having autism was like never having to lose our babies. As they will always be in a way child-like forever. In a way this is a blessing. In another, it is a kind of grieving, one that churns my insides every now and then as thoughts of what might have been invade my day. I grieve that they could never have a life of their own, meet the love of their life, start a family, make memories and so forth. I grieve that I will never have grandchildren. A few years ago, I wrote about this briefly and said that I don't know what it means. Now, I have ...

   I was recently invited by the Institute of Human Kinetics (IHK), Visayas State University in Baybay City Leyte to share a message of inspiration to parents, teachers and learners with special education needs. This invitation was part of the program of their annual Sped-tacular Day Camp that consisted of adaptive physical, arts and music activities for the students at Baybay Central 1 Special Education Division. Each year, 2nd year university students enrolled in Bachelor of Physical Education and Bachelor of Culture, Arts and Theater create these adaptive and inclusive activities as part of their final requirement in one of their subjects, SPED 117 Foundation of Special and Inclusive Education.      Upon learning of the back story of this annual tradition, how one of the instructors of IHK, who also happened to be the Vice President of Student Affairs initiated this activity since 2008, I was awed and felt a familiar fire in my insides reminding me of th...

     I was preparing my first cup of coffee in the morning when the black-naped Orioles began calling. They occasionally visit the Neem Tree that grew just outside our property ten years ago. I noticed how it sounded as if there were more than two orioles which was a rare occurrence. And so, I decided to take my coffee outside.       It took a while before they sang again, maybe a good 5-7 minutes or so. In which time, I had already taken the first few, very much welcome sips of my waking brew. I took in their song still seated, resisting the immediate urge to have a visual on them. I continued to relish my cup of black whilst basking in their music. As I did, I heard the zebra doves cooing their soothing tune like a flute as well. The yellow-vented bulbuls were chiming in their short but sweet tones. And not to be excluded were the Philippine-pied fan tails with their staccato-like chirps. It was as if I was listening to a mini symphony live. The gard...

  Breath is found  On the torn wings of a butterfly In a fragment of a poem Written on cobwebs with morning dew  On a daring bud of Hibiscus shivering In the chill of the afternoon  In winds that kiss gently And sunsets that soothe  On grains of sand between  tired toes and soles grounding you In ocean waves that hold space In sky and earth fully present for you And heal you and heal you, and heal you Breathe, breathe, breathe.

        Healing Place  Only this moment Only this breath Inhale, exhale Return to the place Where everything arrives Where everything settles Aligns, permeates With trees, sea, stones,  Sand and sky Held in eternal love Rooted in the yearning of your body of your mind of your heart Sit here Stay here Heal.       In January of this year, I sought to fulfill a yearning in my own heart. I intentionally came to a place where I thought this yearning would come to fruition. I trusted my intuition and threw caution into the wind. Since then, my heart has been overflowing with awe and gratitude at what the Universe has allowed and aligned through the beautiful human beings and circumstances that have held me in deep healing through the exchange of stories, energy and intention-- theirs and my own. The saying of the Tao Te Ching has manifested once again in this phase in my life, in my time of need and longing: "When the student is ready, the tea...

  Life, Sense how it lands in your body The pull of gravity on your spine Elongating or contracting Your soles arching then softening on the ground underneath Your shoulders hunching like a protective shield or relaxing back down Arms dangling softly surrendering like leaves Floating in space as it must Hear the sounds falling all around you, then inside you Pleasant singing or an ominous rumbling Listen to each note, flat or sharp singing the song of your heart Taste the nectar of tenderness or biting sourness of pain The pang of hurt without downing liquid to hide its bitter taste Smell the cusp of elation like cinnamon, or peppermint or lavender, or rose, or of the aftermath of disconsolation Like something you would Rather avoid Feel how your pulse quickens Then slows down, Your breath hurried then steady, the pressure in your veins Tightening then calming Life, Let it rise in you Let it all fall Let it settle slowly landing on and in your body Sense everything that enters ...

 

As darkness falls My mind begins to wander As it usually does Especially in these unholy hours Worries about tomorrow Plans for the future A world of relentless uncertainties My body said to my mind, "It's okay. I'm just here waiting for you to settle in." My mind continued on its way This time to the past Where there was no reprieve And all that's left is just to forgive My body this time admonished, "I'm here. It's okay. I hold space for your why's, what if's and how could it be's It's okay to just let it be. " Then slowly, tenderly, my body breathed, gently leading My mind to followed suit Slow down its racing speed, Its story pieces fell one by one Into a peaceful heap Into my body Arriving, settling in calmness In stillness, in quietude Once again like many times before Returning home.

  This Majestic Tree Come, let's sit under this majesty of a tree and listen to the stream underneath with the occasional Kingfisher call resounding a welcome song Tell me your story and I, mine Of how we are treating life The never-ending transitions Our various, triumphant fruition Of sorrow and bliss And know deeply that What matters really is that you and I are here Holding precious space A, necessary grace Punctuated by kingfisher song Your heart and mine Soothed by the sound of flowing stream Held safe and sheltered under this majestic tree.

Devotion A one-word intention to nurture, nourish, show tenderness to heal the places long buried and those that can be seen in the full light of day to listen to the body and heed what it needs-- to rest when it needs to to move when it must to let it breathe, to let it breathe to allow the mind's dust to settle fully to gravity to let its nature come into fullness to not resist, to not impede knowing full well everything is passing to hear the heart's beat to open it and see the beauty as it is, it's story of pain, of bravery, of fear, of love of surrender to welcome it into an embrace of healing transformative, redemptive Devotion, an intention, one word, yet an honoring of multitudes of body of mind of  heart of this given and gifted life. January 29, 2023, Sunday  In 2023, my one word intention for the year was devotion. Everyday, I reminded myself of it. Especially when the times became quite rough and even breathing was hard to do, I brought to mind my intention, and...

  "Find your drishti," teachers say when we execute standing balance poses. Finding a fixed point helps the body's vestibular system to stabilise. What is my fixed point? What holds me together when even the world as I know it is falling apart? I asked myself these questions as I did my personal practice today. I took my time in going through the steps of the Tree pose, Bhagirathasana, planting my foot firmly onto the mat, activating my entire leg, all the while going into a self-inquiry on my own anchor. I could not find immediate answers. Eventually it emerged. My grounding force, my fixed point has always been my Mother's prayers. Always has been. Always will be. Even beyond the grave. I placed my foot onto the inner thigh of my other leg and situated my hands in Anjali Mudra, prayer hands, embodying my mother's fervent prayers for me, slowly lifting my prayer hands overhead for the full expression. And I held my center for the longest time since I began the...

 Dear You,      I know some days are just unbearable, intolerable, harder than others and downright ugly. When your mind is on its usual tirade ranting like a mad man magnifying the many ways you failed at well, pretty much anything. When your heart just can't take it anymore and you have no platitudes left to soothe your soul. But there is one thing you can do. Or maybe two. Pause in your hurried, seemingly unstoppable tracks of the runaway train of your mind. Close your eyes. Breathe. All the way down to your gut. Hold your breath for a moment. Then let go slowly. Release everything that you could ever think of with that exhale. Repeat as many times as necessary. And when you're ready to open your eyes, do so. Then look around. Look for one thing that is beautiful. Or simply not ugly to look at. The sun shining through that window, clear, blue skies, your child's smile, flowers that refuse to die.  Or maybe if you're ready, look in the mirror. See one thing th...

     "Because home, family, and love are always familiar."      Reading La Maison Punjab 's backstory gives depth to my personal experience of the place that I can only describe as a space of intimacy, one where real conversations transpire enveloped in a gastronomical experience that is nourishment to the visual, tactile, olfactory and of course gustatory sense. Traveling 100 kilometers from my home in Ormoc to Tacloban City to take part in the offering Chef Sandeep and Chef Yan extends is a journey that is certainly worthwhile.       We spend our whole lives trying to find home in people, places, experiences, and yes, food. Our definition of home shifts and transforms through the different timelines of our lives. I read recently Derek Walcott's Love After Love. Essentially it reminds us how most if not all of us after a long journey to faraway lands, an exile if you will, return to the place we have abandoned in this quest for meaning...

        In  August of 2023 I was invited to be one of the contributing authors of a Poetry Anthology by the Breathworks Community of Practice in the UK. This is a Mindfulness Based community founded by Vidyamala Burch, OBE and fortified by a community of individuals practicing Mindfulness and providing safe spaces for each other through the sharing of poetry, experiences and participating together in Mindfulness sessions and programs.     Poetry Fest '23 was originally an online Poetry Reading Fundraising event held in July whose participants included community members who live with pain and illness and the poetry revolved around how they have dealt with pain and illness every day and rose above it with strength and courage. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to join the event, but they invited me nonetheless to contribute to the collection . On December 8, 2023, the book was finally published. And I couldn't be more filled with joy and humbled by the...

"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."  -Pema Chödrön  

Let me re-member my mind  back to my body Let me forgive myself for losing ground thinking life is  up there, elsewhere When undoubtedly it is here in this body Where breath resides Where rest is waiting Where clarity is found Let me remember to breathe in deeply and breath out With the utmost care In this body is  Where life is admonishing constantly that I am  more than the wars  my mind has fought I am more than the losses It has rendered I am more and beyond its provocations When I re-member my mind Back to my body I restore ground, find respite leading me to the answer which Always is Be here, be still, And be healed. 

  Clouds, palm leaves Bamboo stems, song Wind, wood Energy, heat Ribs, hips Knee, thigh Arms to sky Feet to ground Heart to crown Spine long Breath Breathe, nostrils Mouth, tongue, roof Release Laughter from the core Up, down, around Love simply But deeply Then laugh some more.  I was inspired to write this poem after attending a class with Wanna, a certified Embodied Flow teacher at Lotus Shores Siargao in October 2018. It was the first time I attended a class that I found easy-going and filled with laughter. Wanna made me rethink the practice. That inward work shouldn't have to be so serious and somber. Instead, a little bit of laughter makes the ride so much richer and more enjoyable. This life is too short to just dwell on the darker side of things after all.