Stretching After Laundry

Years ago, a friend who owned a Gowns-for-Rent boutique in our city and other cities proposed to me that I be one of her models for their billboard ad featuring women of various kinds of strength. At that time, I was well immersed in the world of CrossFit. I was 35 at that time and had been the fittest in my entire life at that point. She had this concept of how she wanted to present a juxtaposition of this perception of society's yardstick of femininity and strength. I marveled at her idea. But I was clearly unsure of myself and other considerations living in a small city where everyone knew everyone, and everyone talked about everyone as if they truly knew everyone and having your face plastered on a tarpaulin 24/7 apparently was the dealbreaker. As much as I love to share my thoughts on social media through poetry and essays, my image presented to the public as a model was a totally different beast altogether. She told me in her very caring and sensitive manner that she understood if I was afraid and wasn't ready to do this kind of thing. 

Eight years after, I'm not into CrossFit anymore and have belly fat where abs used to be. I'm still unsure of myself and the city I'm in is still the same city. But somehow, there's something about turning 40 that strips away the layers of fear revealing truth that needs to be revealed-- Aging is good. Aging allows us to integrate all of our experiences and the lessons learned from it, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, conscious and unconscious into our present way of life. At least for me, and perhaps this is solely my experience, I am brought into a kind of stillness and silence that serve as a sieve, compelling the smaller, less important fragments to be distilled, leaving only what matters. I still have no interest in becoming a billboard model not that my friend or anybody for that matter has asked me to. (Haha!). But I've always stuck to the idea on how I use my social media platform. To as much as possible, like my friend, try to present a different kind of perspective on how we define a thing. At the time, she wanted to conceptualize strength in femininity. I, on a similar and on a smaller scale, intend to offer a different view on what it means to age as a woman. Obviously, strength is still a very much strong element here. So, this photo I took of myself shows me soaking in the sun after doing morning chores as evidenced by clothes hanging in the background. I've settled into domesticity having chosen to be a full-time mother to my two teenagers who have autism for almost 3 years now. In this span of time, I didn't realize what strength and courage it took to take on this particular path until I was well immersed in it. Some would say it is a privilege. And I agree. It absolutely is. At the same time, it is one that is not devoid of some serious self-inquiry into self-image, concept and worth not to mention some large loads of existential crises. I'd like to believe all these choices I made I was able to make and navigate because, I've aged. With it, hopefully grown. These two are different stories, after all. 

Aging physically for me has been about coming to terms with how my body has transformed from one that has always been quick to burn fat to one that needs more time, mindful movement and nourishment. Aging as a mother, in my situation has been about embracing the highs and lows and everything in between of autism, of the reality that every single day until the rest of my days and ideally my boys' I will be there for them physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Aging as a woman for me has been a slow and often arduous and sometimes brutal passage into the truth of how inherently loved, enough and worthy I already am of this life and how I do not need to prove myself to anyone. With this, comes the need to build necessary, healthy boundaries with everyone I meet. Aging with grace. Now this is a term we've heard countless times it is already a cliche. One that isn't easy to do. Aging with ease however is more doable, I believe. To have a sense of spaciousness for one's every experience and for that of others. That even in the most uneasy times, we give ourselves a chance to truly feel the unease, the discomfort, the inconveniences of being older. Along with it the wisdom and growth. I am still 43 and have a long way to go, Life permitting. I can only pray I would live long enough to do the things I am called to do while aging with ease, and eventually in full grace. 

Creating this content, I had some hesitation. I still do. I'm afraid of how the message might be overshadowed by the photo I took of myself and people's own biased perception of aging and well, just simple manifestations of human nature of judging. But I remind myself, that's social media for you. Nay, that's life for you. Different strokes for different folks. But a different perspective isn't going to be even possibly considered if I don't put myself out there despite being afraid, being not ready. Besides, if there's anything that I have learned since turning 40, this life is too short to be limited by one's fear. All those years since I was asked to model on a billboard, was simply a gathering force for this particular point where I press the "publish" button and hit share on social media. 

As for the title, my niece suggested it and I thought it would add a little humorous element to the photo. Whether it made you laugh a little though remains to be seen. But if it helped convince you to click and read this blogpost until this point, then this writing is certainly well worth it.