My Rebirth

I am born from many mothers.

As I was reflecting on the events that transpired in the past two days this particular thought emerged. The story of my life is perhaps the same as most others-- one of manifesting the changing of the seasons though I live in a place of eternal sunshine. In the glare of this reality, I find myself constantly navigating my way through the loneliness of the dark months, the transmutation of my many selves preparing the demise of their hues, the breaking free from the constricted buds of my beliefs and my adamant disrobing of this cloak of precarious blossoming into the parching of my own mind, body and heart.  Through it all, I meet people who support me in the many ways my seasons change. Some are the fierce catalysts of change. Some are the gentle nurturers of my soul. Most are both. And I see all of them as "mothers' in that whether fierce or gentle, they birth a new version of myself every time my heart and mind is open enough to meet them. 

Two days ago, as I underwent my first ever Writers' Workshop, I met again the catalysts of change and nurturers of souls. Oh how fierce and gentle they all were.  And that the poem I wrote they shred to pieces was about my relationship with my own birth mother was no coincidence. What an upheaval of emotion it was for me as I so obviously expressed through my tears. They brought to light what I refused to see. They forced me to open my heart to the things that were to painful to bear. In the context of writing, everything suddenly became clear. Denial is clearly not just a river in Africa. I was drowning in it. And I willingly stayed underwater with all the force of my nature to protect myself from hurting. As a result, my piece became merely a list of things strung together devoid of authenticity, devoid of the true emotion I felt and wanted to convey to my own mother. They threw the life-saver. Now, isn't this what mothers do? That even in in the throes of inauthenticity we drown ourselves in, mothers are there ready, waiting to save us with nary a morsel of judgment. Oh Life, I did not even realize I needed saving until these fierce catalysts of change and gentle nurturers bellowed in a voice so loud and clear and the lifesaver was right in my face. Right then and there, I chose to break my heart open.

I am born from many mothers. As many as the changing seasons of my own life despite the eternally glaring sunshine.  Two days ago was another one of those many seasons, another transmutation of one of my many hues. Two days ago, I was drowning though I did not know I was. And just like a mother going in after her child in the deep, these mothers, saved me. And I let myself be saved. And with this new lease on life, I am reborn.

(In the photo: I am with National Book Awardee for Best Anthology in English and 2018 Garbo sa Ormoc Awardee Merlie M. Alunan who was one of the 4 panelists in the First Writers' Workshop of Katig Writers Inc. NW Leyte held in Pedro's Place, May 31- June 1 2019. )