Finding Home

Years ago, a friend who owned a Gowns-for-Rent boutique in our city and other cities proposed to me that I be one of her models for their billboard ad featuring women of various kinds of strength. At that time, I was well immersed in the world of CrossFit. I was 35 at that time and had been the fittest in my entire life at that point. She had this concept of how she wanted to present a juxtaposition of this perception of society's yardstick of femininity and strength. I marveled at her idea. But I was clearly unsure of myself and other considerations living in a small city where everyone knew everyone, and everyone talked about everyone as if they truly knew everyone and having your face plastered on a tarpaulin 24/7 apparently was the dealbreaker. As much as I love to share my thoughts on social media through poetry and essays, my image presented to the public as a model was a totally different beast altogether. She told me in her very caring and sensitive manner that she understo

  This Good Life Orioles singing Coo of turtledoves Sweet Guava on my tongue Sugar Apple (Atis) too Mulberries in fruition Morning coffee Gently waking me Dew on grass Cradling my feet Sunlight through trees Words of affirmation: How are you? How is life treating you? I hope things get better for you. Shared stories of enduring Of past hope  Now manifesting It’s true what they say We don’t have to solve  Our entire lives And things never really Get solved They come together and Unravel, weave and unhinge This is just how it is And these seemingly, miniscule Things are what Carries us through Like remembering  To come up for air In the midst of mindless submersing in the chaos of the world Breathing like we’ve never Breathed before And finally knowing in our bones how life is good, and saying, Ah, life is really good. 

 “My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am.” ― Anaïs Nin       This quote caught my attention this morning primarily because of the first phrase that was strongly similar to the iconic line as Ethan Hunt receives his mission in the series of films, Mission Impossible. Then I read further. Ah, I thought, what a powerful message.  I picked a random photo on my laptop with the intention to post the quote with a catching photo as well. In this photo I am frolicking on the shores of my favorite place which also happens to be a university having a seafront with a backdrop of a majestic mountain range. The year is 2019, the year where I was the happiest. But as with all things, happiness comes and goes. "It is more than just our happiness alone we came to gain," a line from Gifts from a Course in Miracle

     An orange ladybug landed on my arm yesterday afternoon as the boys and I were out in the garden earthing. I knew it was my mother visiting us, perhaps wanting to earth with us too. (Brief backstory of how I came to associate my mother with the orange ladybug: one landed on my thigh the night she was laid to rest. I was an island away due to lockdown.) She came to me in a dream again last night. In the dream I was planning out a program holding space for people through Yoga and Meditation. She was there to observe and witness how I worked. I woke up feeling once again comforted, seen and held.       I've often wondered whether she would have been proud of my accomplishments no matter how small and shortly after having these questions in my heart, I knew that she was because she had always been attuned to the essence of experiences. The lessons versus the grade with her words that have always guided me all throughout those highly stringent academic years-- "it doesn't m

The sun came out this morning With a pair of butterflies white flitting, finally breathing  the world outside their cocoons and dragonflies too meeting at the cusp of their newfound love The Brown Shrike shrieks in full glory, unrelenting  announcing to all who dare not shut their ears, "I'm here! I'm here!" Beautiful silence came after  Necessary notes have been played And in this space of beauty emerged a memory of compassion,  an aching at another one's pain an imbuement of a life suffering as if it were their own For every wave of joy is an undertow of sorrow A force pulling even the  strongest swimmers under down where breath  deign to exist There too is joy to be had in this perhaps, but more so peace After all it is more than just happiness alone we came to seek We are given this life  to heal and be healed.  We are here to be human, to be more of it.   "Words are like a railing to hold on to in the dark." This quote I heard from another of Green

                              A friend asked me, "Are you happy with your life now?"                 A memory came up today of me surfing. I remember the instant I decided to let go of fear for the possibility of something bigger than me-- bliss.   I remember the poignant lesson of moving with the seasons, of flowing with the impermanent nature of elements.  To surf the waves, I needed to let go and surrender. To live this gifted and given life, all the more. What is this if not bliss? And what is bliss if not quite simply peace? So my answer to the question whether I'm happy is "While I no longer surf or do many other things that used to give me so much joy, I find numerous moments of bliss. And this is enough." This life is enough.       "The love you offer yourself when you let go of fear will be astounding." - Alison Malee

Utthita Trikonasana or Extended Triangle Pose is one of the most memorable and significant poses for me. It was the pose where a teacher, four years ago did something so simple yet compelling enough to make me still remember it to the day and remind me how to guide others as well when I am teaching. She cued me to shift my bottom hand to move further up my knee instead of reaching down to my foot, allowing my upper body to open, emphasizing the lateral stretch whilst keeping the spine in safe alignment. At the time, I didn't have the flexibility to do the full expression of the pose. It was a simple adjustment but it was powerful enough to evoke insights that have been my constant guide in my own personal practice on and off the mat. This particular teaching moment and without question my 200-hour teacher training with Santosha Yoga Institute.  First, to understand what the pose is for. What is its primary intention? This refers to the anatomical / physiological goal of the pos

It is a beautiful day. The sun is out. The boys had a good night's sleep, a respite from autism's many teenage mysteries. I bring the boys out to the garden for our routine sun soak. Garret listens to his music on my phone. Morgan sits quietly on the camp chair his papa has brought out. I do gentle mindful movements and breathing, the only thing I can do for now with my injured foot. Soon after I settled down from my movement and meditation, I sat and let thoughts run through my mind. The night Mom was laid to rest, an orange ladybug landed on my leg. I was an island away. I was in our dining room. I was waiting for the video call from my family once they reached the cemetery. It was hard lockdown. I couldn't be with them. I couldn't be with Mom. This is probably the hardest, most painful memory I have carried and will ever carry in my life. The load does not get lighter, it seems on most days. Other days, I am able to forgive the world, everything, myself. And then