Placid and Unstirred

"Your pain is the breaking of your shell that encloses your understanding." -Khalil Gibran- 

It is altogether painful and awakening. The truth does come out sooner or later. And when it does it does two things-- pierce you like a sword that has no ending and sets you free. You then realize how your gut instinct is your best friend. And as best friends go, won't always say what you want to hear but will tell you the hard truth. But what is left to be done when the script has been written and the parts have been played? For you know in your heart at that particular time in your life, you were merely hanging on to survive. You were fighting for what's yours. You were fighting for what you believed to be true. And in this instinct for survival, you chose to be blind to the clouds of doubt that hovered ahead. When regrets come, it goes both ways. What if I did this? What if I didn't do this? Fear envelopes you. Fear of the unknown. And the need to control what happens. But who could blame immaturity or wisdom known at that time? Besides, there is no going back. There is only now. Still, the pain that you feel is like a wound that was healed long ago or so you thought and now it is wounded again, freshly opened. What is there to demand? The choices made were singular and free. You created your fate. You created your future which is your present right now. 

Love cannot be demanded. all or nothing. It has to flow freely. 

My pain is the breaking of my shell. My shell is broken. So has my truth. Painful, awakening. And no matter how many times I breathe deeply and try as I might to exhale all the negative energy, the world around me blurs. In the quiet moments, I think of long ago and ask what might have happened if...For what purpose I am going through this, I am beyond understanding or maybe I am refusing to understand. 

In crises, my defense mechanism surges. I choose to remain placid and seemingly unstirred.