December 4, 2020

Dear Mom,

I remember you in the silence of my heart. Here where day is beginning. The boys are still in bed though I hear Morgan muttering. Garret hiding under all the pillows.

Even as the neighbor's early morning workers have begun their woodwork grinding, sitting here in the room where you used to stay whenever you come visit brings me into that quiet. The memories then come one after another. I allow myself this precious time to be immersed in them no matter how painful.

You playing catch and throw with 2 year old Garret in the terrace.

You cradling 8 month old Morgan to burp him.

You telling me as I was  trying to get the boys' meltdowns under control, also on the verge of my own meltdown, "Anak, ayaw palabi. Kalma lang."

And then the memories  get to be too much. 

"Ayaw palabi," your voice echoes here in the silence of my heart.

Be kind to yourself, I constantly admonish others. Why is it always so hard to do it myself?

"Ayaw palabi." I hear your voice again. So I breathe. One excruciating inhale at a time. One slow, painful exhale at a time. 

Kindness. Breathing. Maybe this is all kindness to myself  is. To just remember to breathe.

Also, your voice again telling me, " Undang nag suwat. Bugnaw na imong kape."

Here in the silence of my heart where day has begun, 

I love you Mom,

Bea