Ancora Imparo

You just get used to it. Eventually. That ebb and flow of expectation and disappointment. Sooner or later you begin to memorize the script by heart. You even know when the attempt to change begins. For whatever good intention there is you still find it in your heart to appreciate it because you can't help it. And then you wonder could it be true? The road to hell is indeed full of good intentions. So where are you off to? To hell? Or a heaven of intentions? But again it really is a matter of how much a heart can hold. It's amazing how quickly and slowly a heart can heal. In one instant you feel as if the wind has been knocked out of you and all you see is the world spinning, and in the seconds that follow, that familiar acrid acidic process in your insides, at the pit of your gut takes place ever so slowly. You fail to identify what it is until you realize, "oh its you" --your natural ability to adapt, accommodate, adjust your perspectives and ultimately your expectation. So yeah like being knocked out in the second round and still getting yourself together, standing up and heaving a huge sigh and saying, "I'm fine. Go ahead. Continue doing what you've been doing to me for the past 13 years or so. After all, life is long. "

In an alternate universe you could almost see yourself retaliating, telling yourself, "I'm done. Appreciate who I am and what drives me and what I'm made of for once!" In an alternate universe.

But you're here in this milky way of yours. Nobody put a gun to your head, you must remember that. You bought the bed, the sheets, that thing you lay your head on, you chose the colors and raw material that came with it. You simply made your bed. Now lie in it, dammit.

As you're plunking the keys of your HTC qwerty keyboard that vibrates for that seemingly gratifying tactile response,as you are thinking all this, with your offspring playing in the background, your face is emotionless. As it should be. This is your issue not theirs, nor do they deserve this. Should you feel the need to weep, do it somewhere else at some other time, some other day except today. And you say this to yourself every single day.

And when finally, on the off chance that you find yourself alone, no matter how much you think the dam could break, it doesn't. You are filled with a sense of surrealism and callousness to an extent. And the thing that plays in your head over and over is this: "That's just the way it is." , like Tupac Shakur soothingly whispering in your stubborn ear. But the most valuable realization of all is that nobody can save you. You will have to dig deep into your very soul and find that thing that burns out the pain. You're the only one who can save yourself from yourself. What's more, you realize you can't ever make the same mistake of thinking another person is going to make all your afflictions and renunciation go away. You have to be your own hero. Nobody can do that for you.

So yeah, you're back to the beginning. How much your heart can hold. How much you can keep in your soul. And so now you brush the lint of your clothes, stand up, and say,"Hell, I've been doing this for 13 years or so, what's another 13 more?"

But really, you know better than just end it all with an embittered retort. Because deep down in your heart and in your soul, you know this simple yet powerful fact-- you loved deeply. So that embittered retort in the previous paragraph is really just a wistful remark that says you haven't lost all hope. Deep down you need to believe that there's a reason for all this. That the universe knows what the hell it is doing. That there's this process at work. Call it healing or discovery or soul searching. And all you need to do is trust in this process. Trust the healing. Trust the exploration. Trust the discovery. Trust in your soul searching. Trust the journey.

And this is what makes life so sweet, so worth it, because you learn every day. And you will continue to do so for as long as your heart is open and your soul chooses to constantly awaken.

Beneath everything, to quote Robert Frost, "I can sum up life in three words, 'It goes on'." But on second thought, I think this next quote sums up your life better. Two words. Italian. The language of people who just absolutely love life and all its beautiful and ugly bearings-- "Ancora Imparo". "I am still learning."

Peace.